Dark Counter-part: Bipolar Disorder - How You Feel

I am the darkness

I command you

You have no choices but the ones I give you

Because I control you at will

I will take your family

I will take your friends

And I will make sure that you feel at fault

I will ruin your life

One day at a time

I will push you

Starve you

I will make sure you do nothing

Go nowhere

I will make sure all of your attention goes to me

I will stop you from caring

I will stop you from thinking

I will put feelings into your heart

And thoughts into your head

And I will make sure you think they are your own

You cannot kill me

I live inside you

I will make sure you remember I am here

I will make you question who you are

I will make sure you doubt yourself

And you will feel worthless

If you are a parent I will ruin you

I will tear you down until you have nothing left to give to anyone else

All of your energy will go to me

You will hate yourself

In order to succeed in getting rid of me

You must get rid of yourself

.............

Serious depression, specifically bi-polar disorder/manic depression is something no-one should have to go through alone, although it may appear they want to. It is not difficult to understand if you have an open mind. Your thoughts and feelings are not your own, you know you don't want to feel the way you feel, yet you can't do anything to stop it. This fosters more feelings of weakness and failure only contributing to the downward spiral. You feel bad for your friends and family members, and trapped in your own body unable to escape what you don't want to be. Eventually, if nothing is done, you decide that it is better to cease to exist at all than to exist like this. Nothing is more important during this these times than family and friends.

If you know someone who is afflicted by this please stand by them, as hard as it may get. Check up on them even if they seem like they don't want you to. Encourage them, even if it seems like it's not getting through. Remind them that they are not in this situation because they are weak, but because they have an illness they cannot control. Some people have to take medication every day because their body doesn't produce what it needs to keep the valve on their stomach closed. This is no different, taking medication because the body doesn't produce a chemical you require. Tell them that you are there for them, that you love them no matter what, that this hasn't changed how you feel about them, and that you need them in your life, and need them to fight through this.

During bad times it's so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You begin to believe it's all a joke, and feel like you can't hold on any longer. You feel undeserving of even the water you drink let alone the company you keep. You feel like you are holding everyone back, and truly believe that everyone would be better off without you, and that you are selfish for staying and inflicting yourself upon them. You just want to be free from all of this. You hate who you are so much that you just don't want to be anymore, because for a reason you can't grasp, you can't be who you know you have it in you to be. You write note after note with intent but never follow through, only making you feel worse. All you want is peace; some way out of this hell; some end to this. Half the time you feel like you have no movement. It's not that you're lacking in motivation, or desire, or care... you just, don't move. You just, don't do things. You just sit, or just lay, and just cry because you're so lost.Then sometimes you have so much energy coursing through your body that you couldn't sit still if you were tied to a chair. You can't stop doing things, you scream and yell, you go into a complete frenzy and lose track of yourself, and then afterward you just feel more scared. You can freak out for no reason at random at things that you can't explain, you have a hard time eating and what little sleep you get, can be filled with nightmares far beyond what you've ever imagined.

At the worst times you can sit in one spot for hours and not move, knowing what you could be doing, knowing what you should be doing, and knowing even what you want to be doing. But you just don't. You just don't move. You cry at random. Sometimes you cry for a minute, sometimes you cry for hours. Sometimes you have realistic visions of ways you could end this misery. They seem so real. Sometimes you have urges to put an end to it. It's a physical, strong desire that you feel with every muscle and nerve ending in your body. It's all you can think of until it somehow passes. You even start to forget what you used to be like. What is so hard to remember is that it's something you can't control, which is why it's more than a sadness or a long bout of meh, it's a serious illness that makes you wish suicide wasn't a sin.

If you are going through this, you know it. Please know that you're not alone. You're not a burden. The people in your life are there because they love you, and are there to be strong for you and see you through this darkness. Fight, for your life. If there is no-one you know to talk to there are alternatives, including your family doctor or someone at the outpatient. Below are a few resources that can help.